I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve done something like this, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Which is a little scary and yet not that scary at all. I grew up not knowing where we would go or what we would do, only “that way”, some sort of direction from you that, while not vague, often felt lacking in specificity.
I feel like I’ve been away from home a long time. The seat’s a little dusty that I used to sit in and I’ve forgotten every answer I once knew by heart. I’ve been asking You for months now, even years, what are the questions I keep asking because I can’t even figure out that. Why do I have these questions and really, what are they? I’ve always been really good at hiding everything important in between the lines because it’s a whole lot more comfortable to leave it there than to bring it out and risk putting it into these inadequate words that I love but never seem to really do.
You’re going to be here with me, right? I know You are. You always are, but that’s not really what I’m asking. Do I ever come right out and ask? Am I where You want me? Is this what You want from me? Guess I’ll find out.
Please, God, don’t let it hurt as much as it did the last time.